Answers For YOUR Health

      Using Mother Nature's Gifts
Common Sense and Modern Medicine
 

 Get your cup of tea and relax for a good read.

RELATIONSHIPS:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship
-- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing
it on a semi-regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after
the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and
I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken
phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over
this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as
part of the foreplay.

Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things:
money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they
don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and
they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing
in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are
still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies
after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work
out.

Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked
women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen
by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked
woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented,
colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and
hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and
"g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of
the note.

Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes
on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly,
man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan
and wait it out.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then
goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the
only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then
he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi
wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her
dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to
work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she
will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man
will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's
walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg
warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only
wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he
is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out,
it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her
earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .

Cats:  Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.

Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing
match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The
woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans and
doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to:  go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get
the mail. A man will dress up for:  weddings, funerals.

David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man
on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky
guy who always has a bad haircut.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants
that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American
Style."

Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about
"the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat
socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below
the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big
fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get
together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne,
Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out
for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

 Eating out: . . .  and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob
and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only
for $
22.
50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their
check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in
a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in any shiny surface:  mirrors, spoons, store
windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction ---
he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool.
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.

Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask
for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men
will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a
circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like
I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the
general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a
mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General
George Custer.

Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a
dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of
that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only
married women.

Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach
the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of
their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply
become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of
men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated
juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that
serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks,
beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five
or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one
knows why this happens.

Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and
take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of
course women always send up taking better pictures.

Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license
plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build
useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a
nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of
movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever
appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another
reason why men hate him.

Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get
away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that
and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

 

 

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