Answers For YOUR
Using Mother Nature's Gifts
Common Sense and Modern Medicine
Get your cup of tea and relax for a good read.
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a
-- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were
it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled,
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance
us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken
phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get
this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place
part of the foreplay.
Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three
money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money,
don't know football nearly as well as they think they do,
they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms,
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never
Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most
females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are
still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies
after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked
women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a
woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented,
colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles
hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
"g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end
Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges
on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly,
man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and
and wait it out.
Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and
goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till
only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.
he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi
wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry
dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets
work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later
will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A
will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's
walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg
warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can
wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
number in "A Chorus Line."
Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means
is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go
it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds
earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .
Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when
aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing
match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The
woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans
doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book,
the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest
on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean,
guy who always has a bad haircut.
Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American
Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about
"the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white
socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way
the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big
fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get
together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria,
Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go
for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Eating out: . . . and when the check comes, Mike,
and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's
50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out
a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons,
windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction
he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication
They use the telephone to send short messages to other
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and
for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a
circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks
I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in
general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a
mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General
Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in
dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them
that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only
Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they
the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out
their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys
become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples
men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated
juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that
serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home
or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No
knows why this happens.
Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms
take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
course women always send up taking better pictures.
Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang
plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build
useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do
nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of
movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has
appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
reason why men hate him.
Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can
away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than
and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.